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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It frustrates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.